Hikikomori
by Jpanlver
Summary: Haru is a recluse and a slave to his own emotions. He becomes obsessed with a certain green eyed who challenges him to open up to the world.


7:30 a.m.

He's there on the dot as he is every morning. He's dressed in the local Iwatobi high school uniform. He fills it out well. The garment fits tightly around his shoulders yet hang naturally about his waist. He has a smile on his face like always.

Haru, his pencil and paper already in hand, prepare for what will surely happen next. And, of course, like every morning he stoops down and pats the stray kitten that likes to hang around the base of the stairs. He quickly sketches the pose down on paper and continues to stare. He wants to commit every little detail to memory.

But there is one detail that forever eludes him: those green eyes. Haru is sure if he can get closer he can capture them perfectly. All the little colors and the way the light makes them dance. How they smile. But that's impossible. Because Haru can't leave the house. He's hikikomori.

Maybe it started when his grandma died. She had been his only close companion after all. Haru had never been a social person. He preferred silence and the little pleasures in life. So he didn't mind all that much when his parents went overseas and left him here. His grandma never minded what Haru did.

But he can't pinpoint the exact time it stopped becoming impossible to leave. The sunlight blinds him. The air chokes him. There were little things that he missed. Mainly the smell of the sea and the first signs of summer but those were easily remedied by a long soak in the tub and hours of painting in his sketchbook.

Rin tells him he should just get up off his high horse and come back to the world of the living. Easier said than done. Although, he was nice enough to bring him fresh mackerel and toiletries.

The green eyed boy is reason enough to leave the house. He could see him everyday if he went to school. But...every time he tries to step out that door something evil seizes him and he ends up crouched in the genkan fighting off a panic attack.

So he settles observing the boy from afar. He knows his schedule by heart. He has sketched and painted every second of it. But on most days-like today-he yearns for more. Anything. Hell, he just wants to know his name. To taste it in his mouth and feel how it would be to say it.

Sometimes Haru finds himself dreaming of this person. How would their life be like if he was normal? Would they be friends? Lovers? The dreams morph into wet ones and sometimes wakes up with stains on his covers.

"You're becoming a stalker," Rin tells him.

He doesn't really give a damn what Rin thinks. He's the one with a complex for swimming and ridiculous shark teeth.

Haru sighs and steps away from the window. He goes to grill some mackerel like always. He's actually gotten pretty good at taking care of himself. His house, which is spotless, proves the point.

Over the course of the day when he's not watching the green eyed boy, he follows his regular routine. He soaks in the tub until his skin is pruny, pops in a video game for a while, and when that gets boring he works on his drawings. The same old routine, all day, everyday. No wonder he has taken to stalkerish habits.

When 4:00 rolls around, he's at the window waiting. But something's wrong. He isn't there. And he is always there. A twisting feeling comes into his gut. Suddenly a shrill sound cuts through his ears. He jumps but then realizes that it's his doorbell.

No it can't be...

He slowly opens the door and there he is. His eyes. Damn, they are even more beautiful up close. So many shades of green. He would have to work for hours creating a tint to get the colors right.

"Um, you're Haru right?"

"Wha?"

He is startled out of his daze. How does he know his name?

"I'm sorry to bother you!" He offers an apologetic smile. Haru's heart skips a beat. "A boy who said he was a friend of yours said you wanted something from me."

Rin. That sneaky bastard. He is going to ring every last pointy tooth out of his mouth.

"I'm sorry. He shouldn't have done that. Please forget that he said anything."

He moves to shut the door but the boy stops him.

"Ah, wait! Um...do you think I could come in?"

Haru's eyes widen. The green eyed boy in his house. Is this really happening? Surely it's one of his occurring dreams and is at the point where he wakes up stuck to his bed.

"S-sure..."

He opens the door a fraction wider and allows his guest to squeeze through. They stand in the genkan awkwardly for a minute until Haru dashes into the kitchen to rummage for drinks.

"Please don't go to any trouble!"

He takes the mackerel he had for breakfast and quickly puts it onto a tray. Drinks...Drinks! What do normal teenagers like to drink? Soda? He doesn't have any. He prefers water and occasionally oolong tea. Hopefully it will be okay.

He places the tray gingerly down on the coffee table. Neither make a move to grab anything, though. The green eyed boy has his hands stuffed in the pockets of his school uniform. His eyes cast down to his feet as if they are the most interesting thing in the world.

"I hope this is okay," he murmurs.

"Y-yes! This is fine, thank you."

Another pregnant pause fills the room. Suddenly doubts start flooding his mind. Why had he come? Was it just to catch a glimpse of the elusive recluse? He rubs his palms on the hem of his shirt. Haru doesn't know what he will do if this thinly constructed dream shatters. Damn you Rin.

"Ah..um..may I ask something?"

"Of course," Haru replies perhaps a little too quickly. And then he sees it. The piece of paper clutched tightly in his right hand. The breath is knocked forth from his lungs. It is the drawing from this morning: the one with he and the cat. He had liked the pose for it captured a gentle and amiable presence. But to the eyes of a stranger how strange it must look to have hundreds of drawings made of ones self.

"I-I'm..sorry," he fumbles for the right words but they don't come. A raging fire is crawling up his neck and he wants nothing more than to just disappear.

But then the boy says the unexpected. "Why are my eyes never filled in? The rest is very detailed. It's amazing that you can capture that much from so far away."

Ah. Those elusive green eyes. He will not leave them up to fate. No, he wants to be precise and capture just the right mixture of hues and lights that make them brilliant. It's something he can't do from watching out a window.

"Don't you find it strange?"

"Eh, maybe a little. But I'm flattered more than anything. I've never been captured this way before."

Haru must look perplexed because he elaborates further. "Most people see me as the guy who gets good marks on my exams or the dependable person you can come to when you need something. Heh, I'm more than that, you know?"

Oh, how he knows.

"Somehow you've managed to capture that hidden part of me. You're just a stranger, for heavens sake! How come you've laid me open so bare?"

"I'm sorry, I'm not sure I understand."

"Eh! I'm sorry. I know I must sound crazy right now. Well...those walks are the only time I truly feel like me, you know? When I can smile freely and wear my true face."

'Wear my true face.'

The feeling is so familiar that Haru is immediately transported back to his childhood. His parents were never the most expressive of their love. They were old traditionalists, having that reservation of touch. When they left, his grandma was some measure of company. She taught him how to cook properly and create things with his hands. And then she died. And he was alone again.

Haru gently takes the drawing from the boy's hands. "Can I draw them now?"

"Eh?"

"You're eyes, I mean."

"O-okay."

He perches on the couch while Haru grabs his supplies. At first it's very awkward for the boy doesn't know where to look and he can only stare into those damn eyes. He spends several long minutes mixing and remixing paint until he's satisfied. There are so many more colors than he ever imagined. Vibrant greens mix with tiny specks of brown and just a tinge of blue. There is just enough light reflecting in them to make him appear wide eyed and innocent. They truly are beautiful.

Gradually he relaxes and even takes sips of the tea Haru had set out. Normally he isn't good with conversation but words pass naturally between them. The boy knows when to fill the silence and when to let it linger. Even though, they are complete strangers they feel more like lifelong friends.

"My name is Makoto by the way."

Makoto. He lets the name slip over his tongue, tastes the way it feels, how his mouth forms when he says it. Ma ko to. He's wanted it for so long and yet it feels familiar on his lips. Makoto. Makoto. Makoto.

He smiles. "Haru; nice to meet you."

Makoto laughs. A small musical chuckle. "Nice to meet you, too."

The hours pass in ease with slips of natural conversation flowing forth. They talk about everything to school from Haru's strange habit of taking a two hour bath. And then the dreaded time comes when Makoto rises from the couch and announces it's time for him to leave. He follows him to the genkan where he slips on his shoes. Makoto reaches for the doorknob but pauses. "Come with me."

"Wha?"

"Outside, I mean."

The very mention of the word constricts his breathing and he claws at it for air. Makoto places a reassuring hand on his shoulder.

"It will be alright, Haru. We'll go together."

"I can't..." The words come in small gasps and shit! he can't breathe at all!

Makoto's arms are suddenly around him. His panic subsides as a musky scent invades his nose. A smell of autumn and candy apple popsicles. He inhales and commits it to memory. How cruel that you can't paint smells.

"Just concentrate on me, okay?"

He nods into his shirt. Makoto walks him forward and his ears register the door opening. Whenever a panic attack tries to well up, he focuses on the scratchiness of Makoto's sweater and the sweet smell of his vanilla shampoo. Gentle fingers stroke the tresses surrounding his ear. He arches into them like a cat. They stroke his neck and for the first time in perhaps his entire life he revels in the touch of another human being.

"Haru."

He peeks up at Makoto who's smiling down at him. Then he notices the purple sky, hears the chirping cicadas, and feels the cool air against his face.

He is outside.

For the first time in over a year he is standing on his porch. He unballs his fingers from Makoto's sweater and steps away.

The leaves are just starting to turn and fall to the ground. Everything is like a snapshot entering into his mind all at once. The sharpness of the greens of the grass, the gravely textures of his neighbors houses. So familiar from months watching out a window but now seem fresh and entirely different in person. Paintings form in his mind and then slip away. He grasps Makoto's hand when the world starts spinning too much but the brilliance doesn't leave.

"Haru, you're crying."

"Am I?" He lifts his fingers to his eyes and sure enough there were tears. He lets them fall freely, though. The wind whips through his clothing and he inhales the fresh, fall air. How different it smells from the stagnant air in his house.

"Makoto," he pushes the sound out into the wind and bites back a laugh when coolness enters.

"Yes, Haru?"

"Please don't ever leave."

"Don't worry, I won't. I promise."

* * *

Several months later and Haru is back in school taking special classes for teens similar to him. It's hard, but slowly he's catching up to all the work he has missed. At first it is hard. Kids stared as he walked down the halls and whispered cruel things behind his back. Daily he felt his body constrict with panic. But Makoto is always there holding out a hand for him to grasp like a lifeline. Everyday they walk further into Iwatobi. He can now walk to the beach without breath escaping him. And he finds that he enjoys the outdoors now. Going back to his house now seems like a punishment. He loves to swim in the ocean, which is much better than the tub.

Rin is happy enough.

"At least I don't have to bring you damn deodorant anymore."

But really that means he is happy for him. New people have entered his life as well. An energetic boy named Nagisa and and intellectual, Rei. Haru has gradually become comfortable with their small group. They laugh and chatter easily and are even talking about forming a swim club. Although that will take some time for him to be completely comfortable with.

Makoto, as promised, is there supporting him by his side. Their relationship solidifies into one of trust and friendship; something even more, maybe. They play video games after school or Haru tries-unsuccessfully-to teach Makoto to cook. Makoto brings him home and introduces him to his family. Ren and Ran fall in love. They claim him as a second brother. They climb all over him, even though Makoto scolds them for it. Strangely he doesn't mind. Makoto's mother unofficially adopts him and they spend time in the kitchen together cooking; she tells him funny stories about Makoto. She is very different from his own mother and she is always touching him and showering him with praise. At first it was weird. But then he realized that this was a natural thing and he let her continue it, happily.

One afternoon he experiences a deeper level of love. It happens quickly with Makoto leaning in and brushing his lips against his cheek then deepens into a clumsy first kiss complete with clicking of teeth and over abundance of saliva. It was better the second time and the third and the fourth...

Haru, who isn't used to touch, doesn't mind this development. As gentle fingers lace through his on walks home he is finally starting to realize that he needs people. He can't shy away from the world and his problems. The green eyed boy helped him realize this. He gets to see that smile everyday now. No longer will he accept watching from the sidelines. Along with he and his friends, he thinks the world isn't such a scary place.


End file.
